part 1 of my thoughts

you know when you sit and think long and hard on stuff. certain things like why you make certain decisions in your life or why you arent good enough coudl never be good enough and feel like itll never be good enough. i dont know im just in this phase or state where i feel like everything around me is shit. im losing everything and everyone. im gaining nothing. i had a really long talk yesterday with some of my closest friends and they compared me to.....bella....wtf see its a big difference between bella and i and well id rather compare me to jacob. anywho we talked about a lot of things.....love.....trust....realtionships.....craziness. i realized that when it comes to this whole love thing im just a pawn on the chess board. its a game and damnit one day ill learn how to play it well. one day ill realize what certain things mean and one day i wont let my feelings get caught uo. ive learned from past experiences that love is just a four letter word for bullshit. my heart will forever be gaurded from the scars they have all caused. each i love you was like a needle piercing my flesh and making its way to my heart. i love you doesnt mean shit anymore so i wish people would stop saying and using it. ive broken a rule that once upon a time i gave myself never part your lips to tell one you love them it always results in a broken heart. granted there are those few times when well it actually works out but umm believe you me it almost never does. i get the whole wait thing now but see just because you wait doesnt mean the pain will hurt less. maybe im just a random crazy psycho chick that used to be inlove with the thought of love but ive learned. you cant trust people with your heart now a days they only take it and do what they want with it then p