saw her.....idk how i felt before i saw her all i know is that when i looked at her everything i felt before, the hurt, anger, confusion.....it all went away. i was content i saw her and though i still had those symptons you know heart racing, continuous smile, all of that good stuff i pushed it aside not for me but for her. i wanted to hold her kiss her something but i remembered she's not mine and never will be. i do love having her in my life though so i'll take what i can have. she'll always be my best friend....eh i did find my mind wandering but hey as long as she's happy thats all that really matters. besides i got a chick with 6 babymommas tryna get with me lmfao

so i would loooooove to write about my crazy interesting past 2 days buuuuut im not going to at the moment. just know wednesday and thursday was awesome!! and well scary :). im gonna focus on my bestfriend tzi right now. mi amor its your birthday i want you to live it up and have no regrets on this day. today is your day and well its all about you! enjoy the juke joint and alla that when you come home for christmas i'm going to the juke joint with you!! we made some awesome ass memories celebrating your birthday together but today is your real birthday and when you get to act the craziest. love you mi amor! have fun and enjoy.

I miss you

And it seems colder lately at night
And I try to sleep with the lights on
Every time the phone rings
I pray to God it's you
And I just can't believe
That we're through

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

*sighs* this song speaks volumes right now I forgot how much I loved this song....boyz to men is the shit.

the note i sent

I feel bad like you wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for me. Maybe if I would've taken you back those months ago we'd still be together and you wouldn't be where you are right now. I feel guilty and I'm sorry. I only hope that you can forgive me. I never meant to see you like this. At the time I was following my heart and my heart said that the other person was right for me and I needed to pursue something with them. I should have taken you back I regret that now. I see your in a situation and I care, I care a lot. If you need me I'm here for you I'm never going to leave and thats a promise that I know how to keep. Though soon I'll be moving to New York I'll come and spend time with you. It was never about me moving for her I hope you understand that. I'm not saying these things because she and I didn't work out I'm saying them because I mean them.

My love is forever :)

musiq 143

How many times have I called you

While you were working just to say
Left messages on your answering machine
About three or four times a day
There aren't many more ways in words that I can say
So I'll just say numerically from my heart to you - 143

So many times I've brought roses
Just to see that smile on your face
I can't remember how many e-mails I sent you
Just to tell you about my day
There aren't many more ways in words that I can say
So I'll just say numerically from my soul to you - 143

If someone sung me this song I'd so be in love. Until then I'll just dream of the day....or I'll call them and sing it hehe :)

What do you know about this?

Love unconditional
I'm not asking this of you
We've got to make it last
I'll do whatever needs to be done
Cause I need somebody who will stand by me
When it's time she won't run
She will always, always be right there


Can you stand the rain

No pressure, no pressure from me baby
Cause I want you
And I need you
And I love you
Will you be there for me
Can you stand the rain

Boyz II Men 'Can You Stand the Rain' (originally recorded by New Edition)

music

So i've been thinking. Music is most definitely my life. It defines me and I define it. As I type Musiq Soulchild's "143" is playing. I have a connection with this song but when i forget all about the connection and clear my mind the song just talks to me. One day I hope to find a love like this.

The Perfect Love Song--Boyz II Men

I've been thinking of you
And I've been trying to figure out
What you remind me of
Cause you are...nothing like I've ever known

Are you an angel
Sent to me... feelng so unreal
Must be heavenly, It's a mystery
And it hit me,that you remind me of the perfect words


The perfect words written by your favorite singer
The type of song that you turn into an ring tone
I get this feeling every time I think of you
And I know,you're the perfect love song

Novel

So there's this novel I'm reading called I need love and I just found my favorite part :)

“Just great,” Reagan grabbed a cup from the holder and she prepared herself a cup of hot chocolate. She placed the cup into the microwave as she shook her head. She had messed up the one chance she had to let Adonis know how she felt and she was the only one to blame. A knock came to the door which brought her out of her daydream. Reagan unlocked the door.
“Adonis..what are you doing here-
He cut her off with a kiss that seemed to sweep her off her feet. Shock hit her first then she relaxed against him. And just like that he was gone walking back to his truck. Reagan stared at his back. Was she just going to let him leave like that.
“I love you Adonis and I’m sorry ok…I shouldn’t have waited….until now…to tell you that,” She felt the tears well up in her eyes. She didn’t want him to givie up just yet.
“I can’t just be your friend anymore…not when my love overlooks our friendship I can’t,” Reagan spoke as she walked down the slippery steps. Adonis stared as she made her way towards him until she standing in front of him.
“I am in love with my best friend and-
Adonis place a finger against her lips to stop her. He held her face in the palms of his hands.
“That’s all I ever wanted you to say to me,” He said as she nodded her head. Leaning down he capture her lips in another kiss, but this time he didn’t leave. They stood kissing as the snow began to fall ontop of them.

ohmygeesh that was friggin beautiful!!!!! okay that's all now. I always wondered how love could be so powerful. I imagines this whole scene in my head. Sadly this doesn't always happen in real life....sucks for the ones who dream about stuff like this :)

hmph. okay so i don't want this to come off extra horrible. its not as bad i guess. but shit :/ i'd usually go to my best friend for this shit but i cant. everythings really effed up. females piss me the hell off! >:/ like gah. don't get all huffy with me and i'm not even your girl. yes we have an agreement but you can't catch an attitude with me when you're steady hanging up in my ear and think whoever i'm textingg is my girlfriend. um no i don't get mad when i hear females in your background. see this is why you're never only talking to one chick. but no i'm trying to be a good person. ugh let me stop cause i don't want to start nada with my babe. pie im sorry okay babe :)

do you?

some days the thought or question....whatever you want to call it crosses my mind. do you think of me? do you miss your bestfriend? and then other days i feel like why should i wonder that? a big part of me feels as though you don't miss me at all. space or not i want to call you and see how gma is doing :) i want to call and make sure ray isnt pissing you off even more we all know you got it in for that man. but most of all i want you to know that even if we never talk again i'm proud of you and i thank you....you'll always have a friend in me whether you want one or not. i'm not like everyone else i refuse to have you even think that. mommy misses you though that lady knows something is up i swear she does. she asks where you are all the time....she's not used to this we've talked everyday for the past year and well she's not stupid. but even so that lady loves you. this is just incase you read this. hope everything is well and i hope your happy. later gator

true happiness? or temporary happiness?

what is true happiness? i think i've somewhat obtained it. like im there but im not there. i have everything i could ever want and more. im just missing one thing my best friend. lately my "other bestfriends" havent been a shitload of help. i love them believe me i do but with recent events im sorta scared to tell them whats really going on. how do i talk to them about my dad they all have both their parents that love them.....and well when they complain i can't help but to feel like wtf and why. i want my best friend that understands when a parent denies you love something inside of goes sorta wrong. im not looking for sympathy just someone who completely understands me and my feelings on this. someone who can say "it'll be alright" and actually mean it. i want the person who could tell without a shadow of a doubt that i was lying when i said i was fine and pulled the stuff out of me. i know wishful thinking at th moment but a girl can dream. other than that i have what i have. someone beautiful i can kinda sorta call my own. money (though my last check was spent on someone and yeah lol) even though i keep paying my mom. friends who i can depend on. college. a bright future ahead of me and possibly one day soon i'll have love. all thats missing in this beautiful equation is my best friend....hmmm i hope she's happy i pray for her a lot. i want this happiness to be long term. i cant help but wonder is this true happiness or temporary and which do i want or need right now at this exact moment?

gasp.....free naked lapdances? peeping tom? huh?

so i just thought about it. i think im giving my neighbors a free show. lmfao. i don't like clothes, never did so i walk around my house naked especially in my room. i always forget i cant do that during the day my curtains are see through (which makes me ask the question wtf what are they there for decoration). if pie lived behind my house haha i'd do a special dance in the morning. i think i should become a stripper.....listen to reasoning okay cause i know i just got about a couple of gasps. okay strippers like to be naked...i like to be naked. strippers like money....got damnit i loooooove money. strippers like guys....well hello i like guys. only downfall is that strippers get beat up and raped andd well lets just say i'd have to kill me a maffuckah. but anyways back to my topic. i think i should be a nudist. i only like clothes to go outside. i think there should be a nude neighborhood here, i'd definitely live there. i can walk outside and mow my nice suburban lawn. ohmy this has me excited. dont drive down our street unless you're nude. so anyways lately i've really had nothing to occupy my time so i practise dance and yes i do it naked what can i say i love my body. i think im giving my neighbors a private dance. i caught a peeping tom today smfh. dumbass thought i didn't see him. well if he wants a show i'll give him one all he gotta do is give me 500 dollars, shit im expensive lmfao.

i guess

okay so my friend told me to stop posting shit on fb soooo yeah lol. im still up at 5:43 in the am haven't been to sleep yet. im soooo off of my sleep regimen. haven't slept that good for a while. its something about falling asleep on the phone with my best friend thats just.....comforting. pie fell asleep on me and i hung up five minutes later pie called back and asked why i hung up and i told them it's just not the same. i dont want another sleeping buddy. i was just fine with my old one. its weird now....i cant sleep comfortably if i can sleep at all. im tired but my eyes wont shut i dont have beautiful dreams anymore :/ i guess i should try to sleep now huh? goodnight blogger

i think i've written on this blog lately to make up for a lifetime. isn't it funny how something happens and you can go on pretending nothing is wrong like nothing happened to make you have to go on pretending like everything is in order even when its not. yet in the back of your mind you know somethings missing....something is wrong everything isn't right. the stars aren't aligned in your favor and well you know that. you know exactly what's missing from your life you just have too much pride to truly acknowledge it even if everyday has its own little reminder of what it is. if everyday is a riddle and you keep collecting the clues until you outright acknowledge whats really missing. i guess i have too much pride. well no not technically. i acknowledge whats missing just not really. the past few days i've been in this whole other world one where i'? not sad i don't particularly care anymore....but i know thats not really the case sooner or later this world im living in is going to make me acknowledge the shit and well im not ready for it. i am however ready for the day where whats missing in my life isnt missing anymore but i know thats not gonna happen anytime soon. aint that something. the words "i miss whats missing" isnt going to come out right now. just think about it dont comment just isnt it funny how one thing thats missing can make you feel a tad hollow though you pretend it doesnt bother you. isnt it funny how that one thing can change everything in your life and turn you into the best actress possible.

eh, dumb ass bitches now a days

you see bitches never cease to fuckin amaze me. while im so many names in the got damn book im tru to my shit and never a damn hypocrit. you claim you all about god but you effin your pastor and you not living holy. you claim im a sinner but you sinning to. its a difference i cant help the fact that im naturally attracted to what i'm attracted to. i find it hilarious that you're big and you're bad but you aint doin shit. tf you talkin on facebook for? please tell me. im effin amazed with this shit....ugh i swear i could rip your ass to shreds thats how pissed i am :/ smfh a damn mess. bitches forgot my fuckin name i am evil and vendictive when i have to be and you're finna make me do it

truthfully part 2

child. moms has been asking about her and i kept saying that she's been working. i hope mommy doesn't catch on it'll spark an unwanted conversation. her birthday is coming up someone is finally going to be 18. it'll be weird this weekend coming up. i'll be going to new york but i wont be visiting her. i'm surprising my pie. pie balances this whole thing out instead of still moping around im starting to smile and thats good. truthfully i just want my best friend back and for her to be happy. i want to try it out with my pie. i want things back to where they were. and this whole thing is truthful.

truthfully

so if i have to be truthful about everything thats going on im halfway. part of me is okay the other part is not. i care no doubt about it i care. im an emotional person not to mention a female. i love and i hate i go through heartbreaks. im just me. i dont bite my tongue when i have to write out how i feel about shit. there's nobody really reading this and thats awesome. i felt like shit for a while no doubt about it i still have moments where i feel like shit. but its all going to get better i have faith in that. i hope that she's happy and everything is going great for her. i still pray for her everynight, thats real. i want her to be beyond happy. i wouldnt be a true friend if i didnt care about her. everything will be ok though i have faith. lately i've realized that she was right about a lot of things. i've also realized that our friendship means a hell of a lot more to me than what i thought. i could give a fuck whats going on between us now if she needs me im goin to always be there. i have faith in our friendship no lie. she is the one that knows me inside and out my secrets and what not things i've never told anybody else. i miss her. i really do but she needs space and i gues in a way i sort of did too. i just hope she know that even with everything going on im there for her when she needs me. for anything. im proud of her through everything thats happened she's still strong as ever and she wont let shit break her. i wish i had her strength im ready to break a lot at times. she inspires me. she pushes me to be better. because of her i got on top of my shit.....i was afraid to let her down. so i thank her. im not mad still a little hurt but mad i'll never be....smh she forgot i can't stay mad at her ass. i'll be praying for her again tonight. i hope everything is good....i hope gma is good and in great health. my mom misses her. its funny as hell my mom loves her like she's her

truthfully

making it work

So I realized I'm ready to try and make this work with us. Not completely ready but sort of ready. This skype date made me realize a lot of things. I'll never get over the fucked up situation I was thrown in unless I take a random ass chance. Sure it's a big chance but it's a chance none the less. I like this person. They are sweet and caring and they have 8 out of the 10 qualities I want in the person I'm dating. While the my best friend has all 10 there was one that was missing that isnt counted but this person has.....they want to be with me no if, ands, maybe's, or buts about it. They want to try something and to say I'm scared as hell is an understatement. I realize my best friend was right on somethings though you can't force yourself to love someone (which is why I'm not mad she couldn't force herself to love me). I want to try but I know I'll be holding back and well if there is some falling going on I want it to be equal I don't want us to end up how my best friend and I are now one of us is broken and the other is happy. I don't want to be in this situation again because I'll feel like shit and them not being happy will kind of fuck up my happiness. This skype date was awesome. I found out some things I never knew. Funny yet weird my pie where's oshune oil....my best friend where's that. I told my pie and she laughed and said "well she has awesome taste doesnt she?" I shrugged didnt really have an answer I didnt want to talk about her on my date. Pie asked why I rarely speak of her if she's my best friend I told her there's nothing to really speak of we aren't really speaking. Pie thinks whatever it is can't be that serious cause we're after all best friends. I steered the convo away by saying I think oshune oil smells delicious haha well lets just say I have a freak on my hands "you can bite me if you want" lmfao okay so everyone that knows me knows i have a thing for biting ask my best friend smh i swear if you let me bit you I will be yours forever hehe. I also love dimples and well Pie has the cutest dimples ever they're deep as hell and it makes the smile even more adorable than what it already is. I just think pie is beautiful inside and out. We had a great conversation, pie is awesome and amazing and just....wow. I promise I'm not falling I just notice the little things. There isn't much that I don't like about pie haha, like its refreshing to have that again. I feel like I did when I first started talking to my best friend but a tad better I just only hope this doesn't turn out like that shit did. I can tell Pie is gonna be a handful already especially since we're so much alike. smh pie called me a 'babosa' and didnt think I knew what it meant I keep telling pie my family has a lot of puerto ricans in it i grew up around spanish I used to speak it fluently my little sister is puerto rican, I have pr in me smh I KNOW how to cuss you out in spanish shit lmfao. But anyways we had a great date. (I think pie is gorgeous smh and the fact that pie speaks spanish fluently YEEEEES) Pie sung to me it was too cute, an original song only for me. I've never had that done for me before. I'm usually writing the songs and poems for everyone else or singing to everyone else. I usually never get treated like this it's refreshing and cute. Pie and I had a long talk and well yeah lets just say I hope things can only go up from here :) (I know you're wondering where pie came from lol their fave desert is blueberry pie and a banana muffin....well i clearly couldn't call them muffin! so pie it became...I'm called snickerdoodle lol yaaay)

Okay so I just got in the house. Well my grandads to be exact. I have a skype date :) lmfao. My sweetie pie in New York wants to have a skype date sooooo we're sitting at our tables with food next to us and drinks and we're going to eat. We planned that one day we'll do this at a restaurant like zoey 101 buuuut lmfao I doubt it. My pie is sweet and understands that at this moment all I can give is friendship. I'm not talking about that 'I ONLY WANT TO BE FRIENDS IN THE LONG RUN' friendship but the friendship where we both understand a relationship is really not in my reach right now. I'm happily single but I know my boundaries and they know theirs. There is no "I'm going to get a girlfriend while I'm waiting for you thing" It's a "we're talking and until we both agree that we're ready for more there wont be a more with ANYONE" we both know we like eachother so thats a good thing. It's no guessing with this one and for that I am truly grateful. I'm starting to smile again. True I have my moments where I wish things were different but then if I never had those moments that means that I never actually loved the old person and I did. I just don't want to be worried about an issue that will never change, I realize now that I was just a bit dense. The signs were there and I ignored every last one of them. I never opened my mouth to express how I felt about things as I started noticing them I just hoped that the person would tell me what was going on and they never did. I knew nothing would ever come of it even if they did claim to love me as more than a friend, sometimes as they said "Time makes feelings subject to change." , and well in this case it was only a little bit of time but oh well. This time I'm not putting my all into it unless I'm sure that what I put in I'll get back. They understand that and they understand that the whole friends thing is just a title for us at the moment it doesn't actually make us "homies" it makes us two people that like each other but aren't trying to be in a relationship yet.

An old ass blog I wrote at the beginning of this and never published smfh

Okay so I'm on day 5, or 6 depending on how you look at it. I'm not doing to well. I'm a little better but I still break out into tears. I still cry for no reason at all. I think about her non-stop. I'm sad and hurt. I'm not only hurt because of the things that were said but because I really did lose my best friend. I can barely handle losing my love, add best friend in the mix and well I'm bound to self destruct. I'm trying to get out of the house as much as possible. I'm scared, like what if we are never friends again, what if……I don't know but I keep going to what ifs. I'm scared really scared because I never wanted to lose my best friend. Maybe I should have hid my hurt, but then I can hear it now "What's wrong J you never tell me what's wrong…..I hate when you do this -_-" I'm coming up on day 6 or 7. I wonder what am I supposed to do to occupy my time? I'd usually spend my day on the phone with them but that's a no-no. This whole space thing is bs. Space and time are not my friends. If my friends don't drag me out the house I spend my day effin staring at the wall! Or ceiling whichever way I'm lying. Some days I stare at myself in the mirror and my mind wanders off. Hmph love is complicated, losing your best friend is complicated. I wonder if we'll ever get back to where we were, I wonder if we'll ever be friends again. I hope one day….SOON….all will be forgiven. All is already forgiven on my side. I know I spent all this time angry…..like I said before I was never angry I was hurt as hell. I don't even care anymore, I just want my best friend back. Their birthday is coming up I got them the cutest gift!!!! Yeah I know we aren't friends anymore so am I still gonna give it to them? HELL YES! I bought it for them and I don't want it. I hope they like their gift. If they don't well I put time and effort into it so that's all that matters. I'm going to sign off now.

The heart broken one J

hmph my best friend tzi :/

so im sitting here right irritated and ready to cry. if my best friend and i were speaking i would call her and cry in her ear ask her why im not good enough....what did i ever do? if my best friend was speaking to me i'd sit in her ear and tell her how much hate i have in me and how i have no respect left. im tired....this dumb ass talk gets to me. i dont like when they make excuses for this shit. if my best friend and i were speaking right now i'd ask her why the hell am i so broken and hurt over this.....why do i always let it get to me and break me. what kind of man is that? im a little upset right now....fuck a little im a lot upset. nobody else but my best friend will understand. i'll wait until we're okay to talk to her though...im giving her the space she needa. i dont want to bother her with my problems while we arent even speaking....tf is that? if my bestfriend and i were speaking i know she'd say "man fuck him j he doesn't know what he's missing" and while i can hear her say that in my head its not the point. i need someone who understands. what kind of man is ok with another guy taking care of his child? what kind of man doesnt care to know that his daughter graduated? what kind of man doesnt give two shits that his daughter didnt invite him to her graduation? what kind of man changs his number and doesn't even inform his child? i guess i shouldnt give a fuck but truth is that shit hurts me to my core. to know the one that helped create me doesnt give a fuck if im dead or not. nothings wrong with him he just made a choice not to care about me. yeah my father is a piece of shit. thanks "dad" you really have me fucked up. you dont love me and never will. if my best friend and i were speaking i'd ask her why? i'd ask her to explain it to me cause im baffled but we aren't speaking so i can't

okay soooo i know i've been this bummy ass sad person and what not but aahhhhhh he gave me his number :) im excited.... he happens to be this guy that i used to like and well he sent me his digits over facebook....twice! and i ddt even ask for them im uber excited he can saaaang get my panties wet lmfao im kidding but he is uber awesome :D

so i realized today haha that i sorta kinda dont give a fuck. i lost myself but bitch im fucking back...i wrote a blog on my comp and i'll post it anyway just know thats not how i feel now. i ran up in the rain and now i feel good as shit i'll post a picture later. but ohmygeesh and i had bitches on my shit when i was at the mall i wasnt even on my shit! im a badd ass chick. i know i sound cocky as fuck but oh well. i met a nice lookin guy got his number....forgot his name lmfao i threw his number out buuut oh well. im basck bitcheeeees now tomorrow is my party night. i need a new boo! yeeeees come on come on lets go out and find one this weekend

haha she unfollowed me. i just noticed that......oh well. i ate earlier....or tried to.....i threw up i'll try again later until then i'll try to sleep. its though cause when i close my eyes i dream of her. why cant i escape....she's in my dreamns and she's in my mind ugh.

an awesome note. one day when sheks ready we can be friends again just sucks that i lost her. it really sucks that what she tried so hard to prevent happened any damn way. my ex told me today she hopes everything work out with the girl and i and i let her know we arent even really friends right now "she has your heart in due time it'll work out between you two and i wish you the best" i disagreed with her but she was persistent. i think its funny my ex and i who argued non stop had a civilized break up but the person who holds my heart well our friendship ending was hardly civilized (a lot of it was my fault i must admit). eh this alcohol tastes good....i think i should stop drinking cause in about 2.5 seconds i have to drive. oh well its all good. i guess i have been making poor decisions but its not my fault everything is taking a huge toll on me and why not live on the wild side instead of being stuck in a room staring at my ceiling crying or looking in my mirror asking why i wasnt good enough. im tired of doing that :/ later blogger....i have to go drive....oh yeah i might start a new blogger soon. i do wish one thing before i go though....i wish she'd tell me that she doesnt love me anymore so i can get over this and her :/

you want around forever. no lie she is one of the most genuine people i've ever met. someone asked me today how can i still say these things about her. i told them no matter how hurt i am i cant bad mouth her.....i love her and me talking about her would give someone else the right to and like i told her i'd fuck someone up for coming out their neck sideways about her. granted at this moment she's a lot of names in the book too me but she will forever be muffin to me. and no i wont call her that anymore even if we become friends again muffin is a name that i want to retire reminds of my love for her. i hate this you know....hate this sick feeling i have everyday even though i havent had foos for the past two days maybe three....damn just thinking about it has me thinking.....is she not eating over me? hell no she isnt. i need to let go and get over it. i cant eat though i cant physically bring myself to eat. i need to try though, i swear by the end of this shit im either gonna be skinny as a bitch or sick as hell smh well if i did ever end up sick as hell and in the hospital i know who i wouldnt call. eh i feel bad though like she should know that i love her im just hurt i disagree on how she went about things and i dislike the fact that she told me she didnt hurt my heart. she doesnt know how i feel but she told me that....that was wrong. oh well cant dwell on it she isnt. my friend asked how do i know she isnt hurting i said because she told me how i felt so that means something but after tonight my answer is if you heard her voice on the phone you know she isnt and i'd be surprised if she cared. but i love her and that wont stop for a while. i wish her the best best in life and love and i hope hampshire is everything she dreams of and more. i hope her job ends on

i don't want to face the fact that i lost her. that was the shit that scared me the most and she "reassured" me it would never happen and it did. just as she promised she'd be there no matter what and she wont. i find that i trust people to much. oh well as i've been told i expect people to be like me and thats not real. i expect people to lay how they feel out and that wont always happen. the girls dropped me off and i felt horrible i didnt come in the house right away i sat outside crying and thinking about how dumb i am. but oh well we all have our dumb moments. me being hurt and sad wont change the situation. i am mad though not at her but because the timing couldnt be worse i have to find a way to explain to my mom that the ticket i bought last thursday to surprise her for her birthday has to be returned. what do i tell her "ma, im bi and i fell in love with my bestfriend but now we arent friends anymore so you can take the ticket back" i think not. i have to take this gift back to and frankly i just want to mail it to her anyway but why spend my money on someone who isnt my friend. now here i am writing my thoughts and feelings while staring at the ceiling. she needs her space i'll give her that....at least this time she told me instead of doing it without my knowledge. im leaving back out my house in a few. its 1:23 in the morning and i cant stand to sit here all i will do is cry and i know her eyes damn sure dont hurt and they damn sure aint red. i know she damn sure isnt hurt ovver this or over me...so why should i be. this is sort of where she was going anyway with distancing herself hopefully when i get wasted this weekend i wont remember a thing. sad though i have to drive in a minute so the alcohol i just poured is going to go to watse....or not lol. i still love her and care though she's the type person yo

called me today or tomorrow i'd drop what i was doing and answer, if she needed me i'd be there. me, well i wouldnt call cause there's nothing left to say until she's ready for a friendship. would i call her if something was seriously wrong? no i wouldnt because i dont exactly expect her to be there we aren't really "friends" at this time i just know her and she knows me and we have mutual friends on facebook. anywho we hung up and i cried like nobodies business im still crying but hey i have to until i can't anymore. i think i sabotaged the happiness of girls night and i really feel bad. my best friend called her while i was crying against my will had lah take my phone and took her number out. i was upset to say the least, that wasnt necessary she said how she felt the end.my best friend called her i was pissed....she told my best friend i blamed her for shit....my bestie said she thinks it hurt her that i had sex....if you could've seen my face. -_- really....she's hurt cause i had sex....thats funny i dont see the problem. maybe someone should explain it to me. she's in a ummm thing right and she's hurt i had sex? that doesnt make sense its not like i did it to hurt her i was fuckin drunk. i sat through this whole lecture of how if i care about her i wouldnt have said that. now truthfully i dont remember telling her that but then again this morning i was drunk too. i went to sleep at 2:14am and woke up at 6am got drunk up until 6:40 and i recall txting her and getting on here. i didnt tell her i was drunk but oh well. sex? did it happen? no i was drunk as shit coming out the side of my neck i professed my love to a childhood friend wtf? ummm i wasnt sober i blogged about sex on here...i was drunk i wouldnt do that shit sober ewe. granted in a few minutes im going to try and get drunk but its my way of running away from reality. i d

care though. i want nothing more than for her to be happy :) the thought of her being happy makes me smile even if im not. you cant force someone to be there. yes i lost my best friend and yes i got hurt in the process but i cant say i regret having her in my life for the time i did. i do however regret falling for her and how hard i fell. but i guess people move out of your life for a reason. she was a season im guessing and that season was winter cause it left me having to shovel. matter of fact i take that back. maybe we just need time apart. she needs to focus on her...eh thing (i cant bring myself to say the word) and i need to focus on me. i somehow need to find happiness cause for a while she was my happiness. and thats that strange ass love.my friends said we were like edward bella and jacob, compared my ass to bella and her to jacob i'd personally switch it around. now anyone back to the girls night we went to see step up 3 and it was a good movie i enjoyed it except for the union square part....reminds me of her. i teared a little bit. got in the car got lost a lot and then talked to the cause of all these fucked up ass emotions. i apologized and she said "okay...blah blah blah.....im still giving you space" and we hung up. it hurt to think that why we never got together is why we fucked up a friendship and see i blame both of us cause everything wasnt me. i wouldnt feel as fucked up if there wasnt a dumbass patch of space between us in the first place. but whatever you win some you lose some...i just hope i dont cry myseld to sleep, i dont want to do that again and i dont want to wake up crying and i dont want to cry periodically through the day. i am full of emotions and i hate it but im not ashamed. hey we all fall sometimes and we all fall alone at times and in my head i still say i was completely alone. i still care though if she call

finally in the house. i had a crazy ass....night. what started off as a fucked up day ended as a fucked up day/night. lost someone....see i had two heart to hearts with my baby today....now my babe is my ex. i feel like shit because i know i was wrong. i wasnt fair i knew someone else had my heart but i kept my ex around. what comes around goes around. we had a civilized break up i just feel like shit. i was told what i told someone else "i'll still be your friend i just need time" my ex is moving to florida. nothings here for them anymore. i feel like an ass i lost a good person to my dumb ass heart. like i knew in my head that i was the cause of a lot of problems but i always blamed my ex. in reality my heart was calling another. your heart isnt a brain it cant make wise decisions for you.just like my ex is letting go of me i have to let go of the one i love. fucked up i know but karma is a bitch and love is a game i just lost. my brain knew i was making a dumb ass decison but my heart didnt. i havent stopped crying for the last what 4 days? and my friend told me its good to cry she told me cry until i cant cry anymore. but i dont want to cry i want to stop. im sure who im crying over damn sure isnt crying over me so why waste tears. they made their decision and i have to be an adult and accept it. granted i dont want to but i have to. its an old saying that when you love someone you let them go so as hard as it'll be for me im going to try my hardest to let go. it was cute today though just a tad my bestie wanted me to get out the house so she arranged a girls day. "im pretty sure she isnt miserable like you" those were her words. i've heard a lot of words pertaining to her annd the situation. through all of what everyone is saying and whats going on i still defend her to no end. i dont know what else she can do to make me not care. i dont want to ca

had a heart to heart with my baby today (notice i didnt say spouse....yay) i was real and kept it 100. i told my baby the truth about everything and we're still together. "i'll just have to show you i'm better and you can trust me with your heart" thats what my baby said despite the fact that i said my heart was with someone else but thats done now. i feel better than i did this morning. i got a cold cloth and put it on my eyes so the puffiness can go down. i told my bae those three words and though i didnt mean it at the time thats someone i might want it with. someone who's willing to stay after i told them something that could potentially break their heart. we make five months tomorrow. im stingy with my money i never buy anything for anyone and usually when i do i regret it. but im gonna buy my baby something nice. its the scent i really love and i wouldn't mind smelling it on the bae. i'm gonna see how long this lasts. part of me thinks we're gonna do this until after this weekend when we go out to celebrate our anniversary. we're going to bahama breeze. its really romantic in there.....if we dont hit that place we'll probably go to this hawaiin restaurant :) can you say smiles i looooove pineapples....maybe things aren't so bad. i still feel physically sick but i'll get over it. my friend told me to cry until i cant cry anymore and who knows how long that will be. im recovering, i cant blame it on anyone but me...hey i fell hard....i forgot my strategy its a game and i was caught off gaurd no hard feelings only love. i wrote how i felt in my journal i only have one request. :shrugs: oh well. its time to get the color of my eyes from red lmfao.

i think its funny. i knew but i never said anything. i hoped but it didnt happen. so now here i am trrrying my hardest to hate you cause i dont wanna love you anymore. sad isnt it you told me but i didnt listen. hmmm but it is kind of ironic the one thing you were afraid of happing might happen except instead of you hating me well.....you kndow.....and then on top of that well the friendship is gonna be sort of strained....this is why instead of trying to prevent we let things flow. but oh well....im not bashing you just letting you know since you insist on putting sppace between us. trust i dont regret having you in my life.....i do regret falling for you though....i regret loving you like i did or still do. i regret a lot but never will i regreat having you as my best friend for that time....im not saying you're out of my life forever but you insist on time and space so thats what you'll get. if i have to be completely honest with you i sorta in a way think you are full of bullshit cause you should've never told me how you felt. oh well when you finally decide to be my friend again you wont recognize me. im too into emotions and thats a horrible quality in me. maybe if i wouldnt have showed you i was interested this wwould've never happened. damn i feel dumb its okay thoug. like i said before you made what you didn't want to happen happen and thats the mixed up part

my friend told me drinking isnt gonna make anything better -_- i just want it to stop hurting is all....so until that happens im gonna take this bottle and down it :) drinking makes me feel better for the time being

you ever have that sick to your stomach you want to throw up feeling. i have that and the person id usually run to about this is the cause. hmph oh well. cant wait to go to miel house tomorrow and then this weekend. i am going to get so effin wasted....if i do that i wont have anymore problems....well ill have them when i sober up but i wont have them that night lmfao. drinking is awesome you cant remember whats wrong in your life. this weekend after i cried my eyes out i dont know what i drunk but whatever it was made me feel good wish i had some alcohol tonight. shit.

i love paramore

why do we like to hurt so much? thats what you get when you let your heart win. i drowned out all my sense away the sound of it beating thats what you get when you let your heart win.

part 3

im done with that.why care about them when they obviously dont give two shits about you and your heart. fuck them and their heart. yeah i know i sound angry but frankly i dont give a damn. i like this anger i can be the worst person ever without having to think twice. i may ne crazy but my ass isnt stupid. i read between the lines my emotions and feelings and what not are connected to the vibes i get and lately ive been getting some off vibes from people. hey what can i say its their fault. i was told im very jealous hearted the other day and thats not the truth my thing is dont tell me one thing then go and do the opposite it makes you look like a fuckin liar. yeah im done here. im going to go before my emotions make me want to cuss someone out. i better just continue with my heartless ways cause shit everytime my heart get in the way i cant think straight. i need to get in the studio cause im going to make myself sick with all this shit. hell im already sick. i can feel myself starting to cry and i'll be damned if i let any of them cause me tears again. im giving them the middle finger and saying fuck their feelings cause they surely fucked mine. ill never make it know how i feel again shit.

part 2

put it back the wrong way. they dont care that it doesnt fit the way they put it in they got what they wanted out of it. maybe i should wipe my slate clean all the way clean and just leave it like that. maybe i should be anti social. maybe i should just disappear its not like anyone but what my family and 3 of my friends.....mya, deven, and shannon, would miss me. im at a point in my life where i should be just deleting the world. for now on my goal is to make it and anyone standing in my way i'll crush them those i meet along the way ill use them to my advantage then discard them, those who offer love.....well ill tell them to shove it. i dont want it anymore. i spend valentines day alone i hate seeing couples on the street it irks my soul. i hate it, im content with everyone around me but me being happy. i sabotage my own happiness. how you may ask, shit just ask anyone who knows me and anyone who may have ever been in a relationship or close to one with me. this sorta seems like one depressing ass blog but oh well. blogger i might delete you soon tumblr too and fb and yim and aim. i want a new start new people in my life and well what better way than to fall off and create a brand new life. im rethinking moving to new york. i might like cali or florida better nothing that i know there. i realize im babbling but hey i have nothyhing better to do with my time. today was good my feelings and emotions werent here. i felt nothing. granted i had a moment of weakness but who doesnt. ive made a rule......dont cry over what you know you cant and will never have move on facts and actions speak louder than words and if you arent good enough you never will be. see thats a good rule isnt it. like i said before i put everyone before me. i put others hearts before mine their feelings before mine and

part 1 of my thoughts

you know when you sit and think long and hard on stuff. certain things like why you make certain decisions in your life or why you arent good enough coudl never be good enough and feel like itll never be good enough. i dont know im just in this phase or state where i feel like everything around me is shit. im losing everything and everyone. im gaining nothing. i had a really long talk yesterday with some of my closest friends and they compared me to.....bella....wtf see its a big difference between bella and i and well id rather compare me to jacob. anywho we talked about a lot of things.....love.....trust....realtionships.....craziness. i realized that when it comes to this whole love thing im just a pawn on the chess board. its a game and damnit one day ill learn how to play it well. one day ill realize what certain things mean and one day i wont let my feelings get caught uo. ive learned from past experiences that love is just a four letter word for bullshit. my heart will forever be gaurded from the scars they have all caused. each i love you was like a needle piercing my flesh and making its way to my heart. i love you doesnt mean shit anymore so i wish people would stop saying and using it. ive broken a rule that once upon a time i gave myself never part your lips to tell one you love them it always results in a broken heart. granted there are those few times when well it actually works out but umm believe you me it almost never does. i get the whole wait thing now but see just because you wait doesnt mean the pain will hurt less. maybe im just a random crazy psycho chick that used to be inlove with the thought of love but ive learned. you cant trust people with your heart now a days they only take it and do what they want with it then p

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Keri Hilson. Cause I wanna get close to trey songz lmfao

Day 16- Another picture of yourself

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

1) Bow Wow ft jagged edge- my baby

2) fort minor -where'd you go

3) jason derulo- whatcha say

4) jason derulo- in my head

5) i eat the pussy

6) edwin mccain- i'll be

7) letoya lucket- crashing

8) lauryn hil-l cant take my eyes off you

9) soulja boy- pretty boy swag

10) musiq soulchild- so beautiful

Day 14- A picture of you and your family

I definitely love these women :) and that man up there :)

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Dear you,

I'm hurting and I don't really know if you're hurting. I'm sorry shit was taken the wrong way. I guess I love you a bit too much huh. Sucks I lost you as a friend but hey shit happens and life goes on. I wish you the best in life.

Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made on

Well this is blogger soooooo. I actually don't recall. I think it was from an old friend Tzi.

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends

I love these people

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

It's a list and I am NOT typing them out lol. Just know that slow Jams are the shit and rock music is my muse and Pop is hot :)

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

I'm not really proud of anything that has happened within the last few days.

I love this song

Before I fall too fast
Kiss me quick, but make it last
So I can see how badly this will hurt me
When you say goodbye

Keep it sweet, keep it slow
Let the future pass, and don't let go
But tonight I could fall too soon
Into this beautiful moonlight

NY Soon

Hella effin excited :D I go to NY this weekend AGAIN! lmfao I get to see my hun bun we're gonna go out and chill in the village and what not. Hopefully we'll talk about where this thing is gonna go from here. We got everything but the title. Ain't that something I never get the title lmfao. It's all good though. Expect a big sweet lovey dovey blog coming soon. I swear if I don't get up there and my hun bun is disappointed Imma light it UP!

awwww they found out i was sad and called me. thats cute i'd be really excited and shit right now but i'm not my heads too fucked up. i guess the way i should carry everything is as if it never happened just erase everything from my memory....suck it up...right. im saying this now but it wont be as easy. im writing shit on here cause everyone on tumblr will be in my business and i dont want that im already getting phone calls out the ass and i just want to eat this ice cream curl in the middle of this bed turn my sad love songs on and cry. i have realized im very much so intense and thats horrible because things hurt more. i lost a blogger follower today. i guess i should say oh well huh lol thats not finna happen though. i need a vacation. i want to go to puerto rico and visit some friends. im sick physically mentally and emotionally. i feel llike i have to throw up and its worst now cause im really sd. im feeling some type of way right now. gaah what the fuck im pissed hurt angry and all. ugh fuck this im tired of crying. i feel like this shit is some twilight shit im jacob and your bella but right now at this moment im bella and your edward when edward leaves and bella is all sick and shit thats me i feel like shit i wanna go do someting dangerous....well no not really but shit. i wanna drive to a cliff or beach and just watch shit. im pushing it out of my mind. blogger i still owe you some shit. my 30 days so im finna finish that up soon

part 2

so because this blog is from my phone i had to start a 2nd part. now as i was saying all of those will be deleted. im tired of playing 2nd fiddle. i feel like im not good enough and well if im not good enough now i wont be in the future. im just done with all of it....i can never do certain things like cut people off but its time to. i realized i accomodate everyone else but myself and in the end im uncomfortable and hurt. i do this whole if your happy im happy thing and shit its a lie. im not happy. im starting to feel lied to like anyone who has ever said they loved me as more than a friend lied like anyone who has ever told me they had feelings lied so guess what fuck every single one of yalll. none of ym tears were ever worth it . none of this was worth it im tire of being hurt so im going back to the old me the one who didnt believe in love the one who didnt believe in relationships and the one who didnt give two fucks about hurting others shit im done

okay so maybe its the fact that im a very emotional person. im very much so ruled by my feelings but at the same time im extra forgiving. i dont know what it is but im feeling really back burnerish right now. im feeling like im coming 2nd in everyones life. as if i will never be number one and the sad thing is i have a lot of number ones in my life yet at the moment im not a number one in any of their lives. i guess i should say fuck it huh.slowly but surely im losing feelings for a lot of people and i cant say im sad about im actually rather happy. why you ask because sometimes feelings arent shit and i learned that the hard way plenty of times. i wish i could find that one person who will put me first but hey thats wishful thinking right because im nothing more than a number two. honestly i have a fuck you attitude. numbers are getting deleted emails and facebooks getting deleted skype and oovoos and yim and aim