Feelings/confusion

I have no creative juices at the moment only feelings. I'm not sure what to write about. I know I have to write though all this stuff in my mind stuck isn't good. Feelings....feelings....feelings.....I've been distant that I know. Everyone sees a huge change in me. This "I don't care attitude" I'm not going to lie it's there. I've been nonchalant about a lot of things. Not because I don't care but simply because I don't know how I should react. Every time I have a reaction to things it's not the "right" reaction either I'm too hurt or I'm not hurt enough, either I care too much or I don't care enough. So I act as if I'm not phased at all. I act as if I don't care. I've recently found out I've been hurting people. Not my intentions, I just want to be here but not HERE. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it. As I've said before everything is just haywire in my mind. I don't know how to feel about anything. I'm masking my sorrow a lot. I'm smiling trying to seem happy but maybe just maybe people are starting to see through me. Some already have but that's because I'm not ACTING I'm faking around them. I sit in my bed and just stare at walls. I cry some nights and I truly don't know WHY I'm crying. Happiness just isn't here for me right now and if it is it's temporary, because as soon as I get in my house in my room I feel the sadness wash over me again. I pull over to the side of the road some days and cry. My friends, as in my TRUE friends, the ones who see me everyday or a lot, they're worried. I can't help it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to those who think I don't care about shit, I do. I'm sorry to those who I've hurt, it's not intentional you're just with me at a bad place in my life right now. Most of all I'm sorry to those I can't be truthful with, I wish you could understand but I know you wont. Then an apology to tzi, Tzi I apologize for making you feel the way I did hopefully you'll forgive me. One day you'll get it, I think, I hope, just read me like you usually do and it'll be there clear as day. You always know what's bothering me before I do so just help me out please.