Can you hear that? It's my heart beat. It's crying right now. I haven't written on here in a while. I'm unsure. Unsure of what? Everything. My feelings and all of that. I've come to discover I'm great at masking my feelings. I've been doing it so long I'm starting to believe my damn self. I miss her :( I wish I could see my ex. I'd be happy. I have to get ready for school. Just thought I'd write something.

Feelings/confusion

I have no creative juices at the moment only feelings. I'm not sure what to write about. I know I have to write though all this stuff in my mind stuck isn't good. Feelings....feelings....feelings.....I've been distant that I know. Everyone sees a huge change in me. This "I don't care attitude" I'm not going to lie it's there. I've been nonchalant about a lot of things. Not because I don't care but simply because I don't know how I should react. Every time I have a reaction to things it's not the "right" reaction either I'm too hurt or I'm not hurt enough, either I care too much or I don't care enough. So I act as if I'm not phased at all. I act as if I don't care. I've recently found out I've been hurting people. Not my intentions, I just want to be here but not HERE. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it. As I've said before everything is just haywire in my mind. I don't know how to feel about anything. I'm masking my sorrow a lot. I'm smiling trying to seem happy but maybe just maybe people are starting to see through me. Some already have but that's because I'm not ACTING I'm faking around them. I sit in my bed and just stare at walls. I cry some nights and I truly don't know WHY I'm crying. Happiness just isn't here for me right now and if it is it's temporary, because as soon as I get in my house in my room I feel the sadness wash over me again. I pull over to the side of the road some days and cry. My friends, as in my TRUE friends, the ones who see me everyday or a lot, they're worried. I can't help it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to those who think I don't care about shit, I do. I'm sorry to those who I've hurt, it's not intentional you're just with me at a bad place in my life right now. Most of all I'm sorry to those I can't be truthful with, I wish you could understand but I know you wont. Then an apology to tzi, Tzi I apologize for making you feel the way I did hopefully you'll forgive me. One day you'll get it, I think, I hope, just read me like you usually do and it'll be there clear as day. You always know what's bothering me before I do so just help me out please.

Essay Potna- Fuck Love