I guess I should try & forget the things I've been through with one & realize they are not the same, but I'm scared. If I love I love hard so maybe that means I should back off just a tad. Reevaluate everything that's going on. I see what's coming && it pisses me off that I know it's coming yet I stay here.

Where are you?

There's nothing left for me to say. I miss her. I miss my best friend. I miss you. What is this? I hate not talking to you. I hate not knowing how you are. I hate not knowing how grandma is. Everything is so fucked up. I feel sort of lost without you in my life. I feel like a limb is missing. You know how something is gone but it feels like its still there. Yeah I have those times. I feel like you're still in my life. When I write new poems I automatically wanna tell you. When I go through something I wanna call you. But most of all when I'm happy && something great happens to me I want to hear you congratulate me && say how proud you are of me. Where did our friendship go? Matter of fact where did you go?

Hurt

The thing that hurts the most is that I think about you everynight :/ I wish I could talk to you. I remember the last time I heard your voice I swear that day pissed me off & hurt me more than you'd ever know. You didn't realize but you basically admitted that the only times we talk is when you & her are going through something & you need my "unbiased" opinion.

Gosh I feel stupid. Its a moment where I'm going through something with someone I care about & could possibly see a future with that I scroll past your name & I say to myself "damn I miss you" and I begin to feel worse than before

Dear____

To the person who shattered my heart with a bebe gun,
I still care. I haven't been the best person I could be lately but that's because certain things remind me of. I wish I could I put you in a little box and shake you everytime I become mad. My words get caught in my throat sometimes & I choke so when I'm quiet that's why. I forgot how to talk to you. I hate what we've become. I tend to reminisce on back in the day. My words are limited when it comes to you. We're on that thin line kind of like we are walking a tight rope, please don't fall cause I won't catch you. 

Crying

I remember how I said I didn't cry anymore. I keep making it weeks & months without crying & then something happens that makes me cry soooo bad & makes me hurt wish & reminisce. I wish I could hate you -_-

10-1

1) gosh what can I say I like you. I like the way you smell. I like how you make me laugh. I like how we can talk for hours about NOTHING. I like how you know me so well. I like how I've become so comfortable with you. I like how you bring the boldness out of me. I like how we can talk about sex but not in a so sexual way. I just like you & one day I'll find out if you like me too.

2) you are rushing the hell out of things please stop.

3) I don't know if I can get with your attitude.

4) I wish you'd stop being so damn clingy geesh!

5) you are nothing like the person I want to be with. You are so damn....idk yet I know you love me. After all of your girlfriends I know that you want to be with me. All of the shit you put me through & we went through. All of arguments & jealousy....its because you care. I know that now.

6) I'm forever greatful that you are in my life. I love you mucho. You have a beautiful spirit & a beautiful soul.

7) honestly I love ghat you trust me so much & that you consider me such a great friend. You annoy me sometimes especially since you know who I like & y'all really sat there & tried to get freaky infront of me -_-

8) you used to be my sun when the sky darkened. You were my air when I couldn't breathe & you made my heart skip a beat. You made everything ok. You took the worst situations & made them right. You caused me so much joy yet you also caused me so much pain. You hurt my heart & then tolf me you didn't like I didn't know my heart. You never see when you're the one hurting me but you see when others are. I never figured out why that is. I'm still very much in love with you &I can still barely stay mad. I'll continue to be your best friend. Just know I won't love you forever I won't. Always be here.

9) I'm afraid of what we could've been if I would've given you that chance.

10) you are always & forever my love. ;) you are my food addiction my pie, my cup cake all of that you are. 

I guess

I guess I'm mad & hurt because that was the day I realized I can try but I won't stop loviing you. I keep getting reminded of how inlove with you I am. I cry some night knowing that I've always been in this alone. You say I wasn't but I know the truth deep down. I've never been so inlove to the point where I don't care what happens as long as I have you in my life. That's how its always been with you. We go through this thing where I get hurt by you & you apologize & I ALWAYS forgive you. I know you'll never read this which is why I'm comfortable putting this up. I try to hate you everyday yet for some reason I can't. I try to stop loving you but it doesn't happen. I hope she makes you happy & that you love her the way you couldn't love me. I try to erase you from my life but it doesn't happen. I can't go through with hurting you. I always say its funny love is what brought us together but its also what tore us apart. You have my heart uzuri always and forever, forever and always. I dream of you even when you don't dream of me. I love you & I'm sorry I still do. I guess I just needed to admit that to finally get over everything.

New me

I keep editing my attitude. Changing how I feel about certain things for certain people. I've been doing it so long now I forgot how I really feel about certain things. I have this urge to make everyone happy even if that means sacrificing my own happiness. I'm not sure how I'm going to revert back to the old me, the me I was part of last year. I have to take back my happiness and claim it as mine. I can't let people affect my attitude or thoughts on certain things. It's funny it took my cousin telling me how much she missed the old me to make me realize a lot of this stuff. I used to not always put other peoples wants and needs in front of my own I knew how to compromise. They used to call me selfish now they call me a pushover. I need to find a common ground between the two. No longer will I be the girl who puts everyone in front of me leaving me to be the last resort in not only others lives but mine too. I will no longer be the back up plan or put on the back burner. I won't be the girl who feels like it's not okay to have someone love her. I give everything that happened the past year and a half back everything except the wisdom. "Sometimes you can't trust the ones you think will never hurt because in the end they almost always do" I am changing. Others might see this as bad but I see it as good. So goodbye to everyone who hurt me or tried to make me feel inferior, goodbye to all those who put me down. You aren't needed anymore. I want to say last year was the worst year of my life but it wasn't I learned a lot. It taught me a lot about girls don't trust them. I'm on a new level now I'm happy and though I may have my bad days where things from my past make me sad again. I refuse to let those things run my life. I tried being heartless but I can't do that. I'm starting over. So say Hello to the new me :)