Scared

It's been a minute since I actually wrote on here and I must say I really need an outlet. I don't fall for people a lot. I don't fall fast but when I do fall for someone I fall as hard as ever. I'm scared. Scared that yet again I fell for the wrong person. Scared that yet again my heart will suffer. I can't handle another heart break & if this one happens it'll be worse than the last. Yes the last was my best friend but this one, it'll hurt so much more. I somehow loved harder than last time & though I previously promised myself I wouldn't do this again I did. I've had this shell up and one by one the layers were peeled back until I couldn't protect myself anymore & now I wish I had all those layers back. You can tell a lot looking in to a persons eyes. In the beginning I swear every time I looked I saw my future & I saw the love. When they looked at me I felt like the only girl who mattered and now I feel like they could give a damn if they see me cause they found someone new. What is it about me that pushes these people to go look for someone better. Do I not love enough? Is there something wrong with me? I feel like I'm fighting just for a little bit of time & that hurts so damn much. I don't know whether to fight or give up because last time I stayed and fought I lost & got hurt even more. This sucks because now every time I look in their eyes I get scared because I see the feelings fading. I'm starting to feel like nothing but a convenience like all I'll ever be for anyone is convenience. If this doesn't work out I can't and I won't try anymore. I'm about to say fuck it. It took so much for me to open up & it feels like a waste. Do I not deserve happiness? I didn't go looking they came to me & I happened to fall. I promised not to waste tears on anyone but that's not happening. I might have to say I've completely given up. But I hope not. I pray everyday we work because I love them so damn much, with everything I have in me. But it's still those questions: Do I even deserve happiness? Do I deserve love? Do I deserve any thing? Am I even worth it?