This thing called love....

This thing called love sucks so much. I've lost so many friends. I've ignored people and made everything about someone who could give a shit about me. I love them. I'm head over heels completely in love. I wish they loved me though. I want an "us" I miss having an "us". I'm trying my hardest to let it go.

I don't think I learn my lesson. Like I know I should I know I should give up hope not care anymore but I do. I love them like head over heels gone in love with them & I can't do anything about it except accept that we won't be everything stands in the way it hurts though.

I honestly don't even know how I feel right now I'm fucking at a loss for words. Like it's fucking inevitable for me to get hurt by them. Like all the time. A year in 11 days it'll be a fucking year. A year of me being head over heels in love & a year of me just loving someone & giving someone all of me. Like I'm lost hurt & confused.

I miss them. Like my whole heart hurts & I hate not talking to them. It's like a part of me is missing. I can't do anything about it. Why fight for someone who could give a damn about you and doesn't care if you stay or walk away. Who doesn't give two shits if they break your heart or not. I'm hurting but I can't. Be the first to make a move this time. Not this time at all.

With them

Sex with them is amazing we did it this morning one of those detach your feelings type of things and GAHLEE was shit amazing I fucking love them. I had to set aside my feelings for that shit though. that's the only person I trust enough with my body. I want more like I'm craving it and it pisses me off how gone they got me when we have sex like every time they touch me it sends tingles down my spine and damnit if I don't want none lol

Days

There are days I wish I could hold their hand. Like right now I wanna grab their hand look at them and kiss them then I remember I can't do that and it hurts my heart like it makes me want to cry something terrible.

My love, my heart

How I feel about one person through everything they've done all the lies mistakes and heartbreak I'm still in love with them

Thinking about everything tonight....it really sucks to be in love to not know if things will end how you want them to end, to constantly pray that you're who that person really wants. It hurts & I'm very much so in love & some days it feels like I'm in love alone. Though they told me I'm not sometimes I have a hard time believing that.

Just Another Heartbreak/Second Time Around

I've refrained myself from making another blog because it would only be very depressing or very angry. But I'm so in my feelings that I've given myself permission to vent in a way. Seven months. That's how long I talked to them seven long roller coaster months. They were stressful & hard but I deemed this particular person worth it. Seven months I said fuck everyone, if anyone wanted to talk to me I warned them ahead of time my time & heart were taken but I'd entertain them.Seven months, in those seven months I honestly don't know which month I fell in love. We'd argue but at the end of the day no matter how mad I'd be if I got a call saying they needed me I was there....right there no matter what. It didn't matter that we were mad or that things were said I was there. The one who held my heart needed me. Seven months. Seven months & the only label on us was either "friends" or "talking". I was okay with that only for them any other I would've said fuck it. Seven months gone, basically a waste because in a week and a half someone else caught their attention & gained the title I had been after & working for for so long. A week & a half someone managed to steal my heart & make it theirs. I got emotional we went through a fucked up weekend when I found out in a fucked up way. Much like the last to my dismay. Now I have the title of best friend. Sounds vaguely familiar right? It happened before is all I'll say, most of those blogs are deleted though. To say I'm hurt is an understatement I cry at least twice a day. It hurts to have her in my life but yet again I'm at that stage where it'd hurt more to have her nowhere. I'd rather hurt having her in my life than gone. Well now we're best friends & I'm stuck with the aftermath & hearing words like "can't be together" when in reality its "don't" I want them to realize they made a choice. I guess this blog is needed because well I'm angry I'm trying to hate them so my feelings can subside. I say I do everyday & every day it leads to more tears. I'm hurt, I'm heartbroken. But none of that matters cause they're happy & I guess that's what I want in the end. What's a girl to do now that this is for a second time. I'm confused. In a way I know I'm being stupid because I've been through this & I know where my actions get me. Nowhere but depressed, bitter, and angry. I'm in love with someone who has now entered a relationship someone who has just broken my heart. Someone who ultimately wasted seven months. Someone who is doing what they said they couldn't do for me & that's be in a long distance relationship. Anger, pain, hurt, sadness & ferocity that's what I feel right now. I won't be able to trust for a while or be happy for a while & this time I won't lie to hurt someone who ultimately won't be hurt cause that part they don't care about. They won't be jealous they'll be fine. Because this is the choice they made, they're happy with who they chose. I'll keep it honest. If they ask my feelings I'll tell besides that I'm never going to speak on it. I'm tired & ready to cry lol so I'm going to end this blog. Bye.   

Scared

It's been a minute since I actually wrote on here and I must say I really need an outlet. I don't fall for people a lot. I don't fall fast but when I do fall for someone I fall as hard as ever. I'm scared. Scared that yet again I fell for the wrong person. Scared that yet again my heart will suffer. I can't handle another heart break & if this one happens it'll be worse than the last. Yes the last was my best friend but this one, it'll hurt so much more. I somehow loved harder than last time & though I previously promised myself I wouldn't do this again I did. I've had this shell up and one by one the layers were peeled back until I couldn't protect myself anymore & now I wish I had all those layers back. You can tell a lot looking in to a persons eyes. In the beginning I swear every time I looked I saw my future & I saw the love. When they looked at me I felt like the only girl who mattered and now I feel like they could give a damn if they see me cause they found someone new. What is it about me that pushes these people to go look for someone better. Do I not love enough? Is there something wrong with me? I feel like I'm fighting just for a little bit of time & that hurts so damn much. I don't know whether to fight or give up because last time I stayed and fought I lost & got hurt even more. This sucks because now every time I look in their eyes I get scared because I see the feelings fading. I'm starting to feel like nothing but a convenience like all I'll ever be for anyone is convenience. If this doesn't work out I can't and I won't try anymore. I'm about to say fuck it. It took so much for me to open up & it feels like a waste. Do I not deserve happiness? I didn't go looking they came to me & I happened to fall. I promised not to waste tears on anyone but that's not happening. I might have to say I've completely given up. But I hope not. I pray everyday we work because I love them so damn much, with everything I have in me. But it's still those questions: Do I even deserve happiness? Do I deserve love? Do I deserve any thing? Am I even worth it?