Geesh I have no clue how I'm really feeling. This whole relationship thing is eating at me. I feel like I fell in love only to be heartbroken yet my heart break will go unnoticed. I feel like the little girl in the back of the classroom who goes unnoticed because she's so timid, shy and quiet. Maybe I should speak up and voice my opinion or my feelings but then again my feelings my not be understood.

Then theres number 2 who would have thunk they'd become a part of my life too. I love talking to them. They made me beautiful since day one. Cute little I miss you's became apart of my day. It's like the one thing that won't go unsaid by them. If I don't say it they will. But then my mind drifts to number 1 the person who makes me smile just to think of them. Hmph. They make me hate the fact that number one stays on my mind. Hate the fact that in reality we can't be too many attatchments, or maybe thats just another one of my excuses.

Then there's number three. Had my heart since day one . From the jump they made me feel special loved and all of that mushy stuff. But I pushed them away so hard and succeeded. Now I feel stupid cause I met that person that comes close and compares to them equally but I can't have that person. Now I want the first one who could read me like a book. I want the first one who could look at me, hear my voice and know something was wrong. The one who'd drop anything for me. The one who mended my heart only for me to break theres and they break mine again. Now I have two of the number three and I'm entirely conused on what to do.

Then lastly there's number four. The person who begs for my attention. Begs for a chance but what am I to do. I sort of want to settle for them because they know exactly how I feel. I don't wanna do to them what another number did to me. I don't want to hurt them. Though it's unintentional it's still hurt. Maybe if I give them a chance they could be the one for me. Maybe if I stop calling them "homie" and making them feel less of themselves we could actually be. Maybe if I didn't make them suck their breath in like another number makes me do when somethings written or said about someone else we could try something.

Until I figure something out I'm stuck in this little big dilemma should I give up and let everyone go? Give up and let the number that means the most to me, but who I don't mean the most to up? Should I confront my poor excuses and get with the one who makes me sorta smile but doesn't come exactly close? Settle for the fourth and think of how I feel now? What the hell should I do?

I'm this confused state this lost state and I don't know how to get out. I'm running around searching. Trying to find a way out. I'm lost, I've never been this lost before. I can't find a way to let my inhibitions go. I can't find a way to get rid of my insecurities. I'm so lost and afraid. I'm scared more scared than I've ever been and this stress is more than anything I've felt before and this situation just adds more. Two of these people make this situation unbearable. I feel sick ready to cry.

umm

Damn I haven't spent anytime on this blog. All my attention has been on tumblr lol. Idk what to write buuut I do know I miss my muffin smh grrr :(

Girls smh

did you know that girls are like the worse thing in the world smh like I hate them soooo much. I don't wanna look at another girl, speak to another girl or hear another girl. I might blow up smh. I just needed to vent okay im done venting now :)

10 truths I wish I could say to 10 people

1.) You're extra special to me...scratch that girl you are beyond special to me. I'd go through hell and back for you. Smh I'd hurt anyone who hurt you and thats a fact. You've become such a big bart of my life and though there are things I wanna say and know I should say I'll wait to say them...so dont be asking me about it you'll know in due time. Just know I cant imagine my life without you in it. Smh it scares me to try and do it.
2.)Bitch i can't stand you smh
3.)Girl you make my skin crawl hop off
4.)Idk how to talk to you sometimes
5.)besides my muffin you're the only person who can make me nervous as shit
6.)I hope you regret ever making me feel like shit
7.)I refuse to let you make me yet again question my own self worth because in reality I'm worth so much more than what you make me feel.
8.)I wrote to you twice in this yup i'm breaking the rules but who cares. Sometimes I don't wanna talk to you but then I can't imagine my life without you and I realize how addicted I really am to you. Smh you don't know how AMAZING you are lol....I live in a fairytale world and you're in it shhh don't talk to me bout this one part.
9.)For you I'll kill any niggah that step to you wrong smh we all know I'm violent.
10.)I told you if I got hurt I'd chop your parts off well dude I got hurt sooo yeah watch this. you'll get whats coming to you soon enough

Misery loves Company

Feeling like even the best song about pain can't describe how I feel. It's like excruciating. I'm in agony because they hurt yet I hurt but they're hurting for completely different reason then I. Don't have the heart to let them know the reason I hurt. Misery loves company but I hate being in misery so why try and find company with another in misery

Gah i'm feeling so messed up because of yo. smh I think i should just leave everything alone....leave yo alone uuuugh pisses me off